I want to start this piece with what will be the introduction of my book:
'Everything you need to know about
Emotional Intelligence
A guide on doing relationships right.
(What you should have learned at home but never did)'
I have failed three relationships. They have each ended relatively the same, very traumatically —with an absolute tragedy, an outburst of some sort related to polyamory, my inability to stay emotionally regulated, and deep resentment towards myself for all the ways I put my needs and desires aside in order to maintain connection.
So I’m the problem. It’s me. (and sometimes unethical/unthoughtful polyamory, but mostly me)
The amount of shame I have felt at times is unprecedented. But if I’ve learned anything, it’s this: shame blocks growth. Read that again. Shame blocks growth.
To get out of shame and grow, I had to accept the reality I had created. I had to take responsibility for my actions, behaviors, and the impact I had on those I loved the most.
The acceptance of the reality I participated in creating became the foundation for change. From there, I began to skill up, process my shortcomings, and grow into the person I am now becoming: emotionally regulated, stable, aware, present, competent, and committed to being a person of presence.
This book is that journey.
So I’m writing a book on emotional intelligence, I’m writing the book I need and have always needed.
Writing this book has been my way of making sense of my childhood and intimate relationships, holding myself accountable, and creating a roadmap for what growth can look like. Along with being a book about my personal experiences, it’s a resource for anyone looking to cultivate the emotional intelligence needed for a thriving, connected life, and a healthy relationship with ourselves and others.
The Map to Emotional Intelligence
This book is structured into four main chapters, each one breaking down an aspect of emotional intelligence in relationship to Romantic Competence. The topics and skills explored are practical tools I’ve been working to embody in my own life, tools I wish I had learned years ago, and should have been modeled in our childhood homes.
Chapter 1: Building Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence is the foundation of everything. It’s the ability to understand, manage, and effectively navigate emotions - your own and others. It’s the bedrock of human connection.
In this chapter I explore:
Romantic Competence: The ability to function adaptively in our relationships.
Insight: Understanding yourself, another, and the dynamics that exist between two people.
Attunement: Giving someone your undivided attention and aligning with their emotional state.
Affect Labeling: Naming emotions as a way to better understand and regulate them.
Introspection: Pausing to examine your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors with curiosity.
Chapter 2: Mutuality and Connection
Relationships thrive when there’s mutuality; where both people’s needs are valued and met. This chapter is about the skills that are needed to create mutual connection between two or more individuals and build trust:
Vulnerability: Showing up authentically and with feeling, even when it feels terrifying.
Communicating Needs and Desires: Speaking up about what matters to you, without fear or manipulation.
Emotional Presence: Being fully present with someone else’s emotions without judgment.
Empathy: Understanding and sharing another person’s feelings.
Validation: Acknowledging and assuring someone’s perspective, even when it differs from yours.
Taking Responsibility: Owning your actions and their impact without defensiveness.
Dialectics: Holding space for opposing ideas and finding synthesis within them.
Repair Skills: Knowing how to rebuild trust after conflict or harm has been caused.
How to Give a Good Apology: Learning the art of apologizing in a way that truly heals.
Boundaries: Understanding and setting limits that protect our well-being, why we don’t do it, and how to do it well.
Giving and Receiving Feedback: Approaching feedback as a tool for connection and growth.
Chapter 3: Emotional Regulation
If there’s one skill that has completely transformed my life, it’s emotional regulation. Emotional regulation isn’t about suppressing how you feel, it’s about understanding your emotions and responding to them in ways that align with your values. In this chapter I share about my struggle with emotional regulation, and how this particular lack of skill has been a main contributer in my failed relationships. I share personal childhood reflections, stories, and a chart I’ve been using to track my activations.
This chapter also explores the science of emotions and how our brain structure and parts of the brain like the amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex play a role in how we feel, react, and process. Understanding the neuroscience behind emotions has helped me approach them with more compassion, patience, understanding and awareness around how to regulate and tune into my central nervous system.
Chapter 4: Emotional Integrity
The final chapter is where everything comes together. Emotional integrity is about aligning all the skills in this book with your actions.
This chapter includes:
Emotional Capacity: Knowing your limits and communicating them clearly.
Emotional Safety: Creating environments where people feel free to express themselves without fear of judgment.
Emotional Responsibility: Taking accountability for your emotional responses and how they affect others.
Emotional Resilience: Bouncing back from emotional setbacks with strength and hope.
Grace and Forgiveness: Letting go of resentment to create space for growth and healing.
Drawing From the Experts
This book isn’t just about my experiences; it’s also deeply built on the wisdom of others. I’ve drawn from psychologists like Joanne Davila, whose framework of romantic competence shapes much of the book, and Dr. Maika Steinborn, whose insights on empathy transformed how I approach difficult conversations. I’ve also been deeply influenced by Ryan Morsby White, whose work on men’s emotional responsibility and self regulation has reshaped my understanding of self love and right relationship with the self and others.
In addition, I’m hoping to include contributions from local psychologists and coaches like Erin Merihew, Morgan Vanderpool, and Lux Gypsum whose expertise will deepen the book’s exploration of emotional intelligence.
This book also includes many "Do’s and Don’ts" sections correlated to many of the skills, where I share the things I did, and what to do instead. It’s meant to help readers avoid the mistakes I made and guide them toward better choices. Each chapter also has journal prompts to help readers reflect on their own journey with each skill. Like rating their competency in each skill, identifying what’s holding you back, and finding steps to improve. These questions will support readers in deepening their connection with themselves, their inner children, and growing in emotional intelligence.
The Impact of EI on my Life
I wrote this book because I needed to. Writing out each one of these emotional intelligence skills, defining them, expanding on them and reflecting on how they relate to my life has been my way of processing the shame and grief I’ve carried from my last three relationships over the last 9 years, the lack of emotional presence from my childhood and turning it into something useful for myself, and now for others.
The skills in this book have anchored me into a more emotionally stable, regulated, and present version of myself: practicing these skills daily with friends, clients and strangers - how to set boundaries, ask for my needs to be met, offer empathy, reflect, self regulate, share how I’m feeling with others and soo much more. I hope that it can do the same for anyone willing to look at their short comings in their relationships and this area of their life.
A Future I am Overjoyed to Live Into
At the end of the day, I don’t see my relationships as failures. They were painful, difficult, and beautiful gifts full of so much incredible love, pleasure, beauty, travel and magic while also illuminating the work I needed to do (as they always do). Each relationship pushed me toward this process of growth, awareness, healing and emotional intelligence.
This book is my way of sharing those lessons. It’s for anyone ready to take responsibility for their emotional health and build relationships rooted in care, connection, trust and right relationship.
Because at the end of the day, we are not what we have, or what we look like, our deepest value is in how we treat one another. Book coming 2026
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