Lean Back and to the Left

I’m doing some serious reflecting on my last relationship that ended about nine months ago. For the last nine months, it’s all I’ve been thinking about and doing work around in my free time.

I wasn’t my best—granted, I had the emotional intelligence and regulation skills of a small child throughout its entirety (I’ve written a book about this particular healing journey in the last nine months, called ‘God is my Mom’ - out 2026 - excerpts can be found on my blog).

And, I’m coming to terms with the fact that in the span of 2.5 years… I had to interface with SO many other men (majority white men, and all cis men) that my queer partner hooked up with, pursued, or dated while we were also together.

It calculates out to be a new person every 2-3 months. A few times, those men were pursued right in front of me, or hooked up with - without my consent or awareness.

This is crazy-making behavior… And people love to point the finger at people who go crazy. But what’s invisiblized is the crazy-making behavior that leads one to go crazy in the first place.

And I promise you, I’m not knocking polyamory. I am polyamorous myself. We were in a polyamorous container. And, there’s a way to do it ethically that deeply honors the essence of the person you’re calling a partner - and there’s a way to do it that absolutely devastates a person’s nervous system. I experienced the latter.

I now think, ‘no wonder I was so dysregulated’. There were so many other energies that I consistently had to navigate and interface with while attempting to create a sanctuary for us and our relationship.

A sanctuary that we could rest in. A sanctuary that could hold the infinite beauty that was between us (there was so much). A sanctuary and strong foundation that would allow polyamory to be done well.

I blame myself so much, and I’m so so so hard on myself for the ending of this relationship - obsessing over everything I could have done better or right, or things I could have done instead. I have lost so much in this ending, including a lot of friends, and some of my closest people because of how painful it’s been.

This is someone I asked to marry me. You may even know who I’m talking about right now.

But in retrospect, looking back, they were never actually ready to choose me. Because they never actually did…

I honestly think most people would have been as dysregulated and desperate for secure attachment as I was—even without the wounds and traumas that I carry.

And maybe I can be less hard on myself after this… Maybe I can stop thinking I am the worst person in the world because I crossed boundaries in search of connection. Or that my dysregulation means there’s something inherently wrong with me.

Maybe there’s a chance that I could be seen - for all I’ve had to navigate in the last three years in regards to this person. Maybe I can stop thinking that I’m broken. Maybe I get to experience polyamory in a way that is so deeply honoring of the essence of who I am and what I bring to a relationship.

I could never rest in our relationship - the sheer amount off navigating other people alone, on top of constant hypervigilance hoping I was enough and saying or doing the right thing so that I wouldn’t lose connection.

I have not been able to rest for the last nine months either.

So that means I haven’t been able to rest in over three years…

But after this, I think I can rest.

Rest in knowing that maybe I’m normal.

Maybe this would have been so difficult for anyone.

And just rest in the beauty of the epic sanctuary I’m building now - the one I get to share with SO many EPIC people who choose me every single day.

If you know, you know.

So may I rest.

Take a break from harboring the responsibility of this entire relationship.

Choose me

Choose the people who choose me.

And - in time - be chosen.

May I be free.

Chag Sameach