The Lighthouse of Emotional Intelligence

Lately, I’ve been diving deep into healing - or rather, returning to wholeness. One of my favorite modern-day philosophers, Teal Swan, says, “When we think we need to heal something, we already have an air of disapproval for that thing.”

What I’ve found in this so-called “healing journey” is that it’s really about reclaiming all the broken and fragmented pieces of ourselves - pieces we left behind in the memories of our lives, loving all the versions of ourselves that we’ve been, meeting the needs of our younger selves and creating deep safety for them.

For the past 3 years, I’ve studied the history of capitalism, somatics, and timeline work—practices I use every day to coach and support others. I've also worked with a therapist, had partners who were somatic practioners and, at any given time over the past three years, I've had at least two to four coaches supporting me simultaneously.

As a survivor of emotional neglect, abuse, and severe first-generational ancestral trauma, I bring a unique perspective on what it takes to heal and thrive in the midst of 21st-century collapse and coexisting rebirth.

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Over the last six months, I’ve gone even deeper into emotional intelligence - into the skills we need to build healthy relationships and be in right relationship with others.

It blows my mind that these crucial life skills and relational tools aren’t taught. No one sits us down and says:

This is how you listen to someone.

This is how you make someone feel heard.

This is how you validate someone’s feelings.

This is how you set boundaries.

This is what it looks like to respect someone’s boundaries.

This is how you ask for what you need.

This is how you calm yourself when you’re angry.

This is how you grieve.

This is what love looks like.

And when you don’t learn these skills at home - when they were never passed down to you, a boton in the relay race of life from generation to generation, like a sacred gift from those who came before you, it can feel like you’re lost at sea.

Like you’re floating in sinking boat in a fog of feelings, unmet needs, pain, insecurity, fear, delusion - intense confusion. You’re trying to fill the holes in the boat. You’re searching for the right paddles to steer your relation-ship toward solid ground. But nothing seems to work.

It can feel like the land of emotional intelligence, presence, emotional regulation, security, and true, steadfast, authentic, safe love is an entire continent away.

No one turned on the lighthouse for you when you were a child. No one told you, This is how you navigate the sea of people: so you can truly see people.

And when the lighthouse finally turns on, sometimes it’s too late. Sometimes, there’s no one waiting for you on the other side. Sometimes it’s an empty continent.

But that’s the thing-when you reach the other side, you don’t need anyone; Because you have everyone. And most importantly, you have yourself.

After years of therapy and hundreds of hours of self-study, I’ve come to believe that healing from what we call complex PTSD, BPD, bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, and more may actually be the journey from emotional absence to emotional presence-and eventually through emotional presence, emotional intelligence.

I recently learned in a course that our original pain shapes our entire lives. The original wounds of abandonment, shame, neglect, guilt, betrayal, inadequacy and powerlessness determine what we seek. And if we don’t go back to bring wholeness to those wounds, if we don’t reclaim the parts of ourselves we left behind in those wounded times, we unconsciously seek out people and situations that confirm that original wound is still true. This is called confirmation bias.

I have found a way through these stormy waters is emotional presence—paired with intentional work to unwind limiting beliefs.

The two modalities I use most with clients and myself are:

1. The Work by Byron Katie - designed to unravel false truths and reveal real truth.

2. The Completion Process by Teal Swan - focused on revisiting and healing past wounds, meeting the needs of the inner child, and creating deep safety. (In 2022, I committed to doing this work almost every single week for a year for myself with a coach.)

Teal Swan says, “We are born like a river, whole and unique. And as we experience trauma, we fragment into streams. The purpose of healing is to return all the streams back to the one river.”

In my sessions, I’ve added a third layer to my work—quantum physics (timeline magic)-something I’ve been studying for the past two years.

Bringing these three together has transformed my life, and I’ve witnessed incredible shifts in the lives of my clients.

I don’t have any coaching availability right now. Stacked full to the brim with clients momentarily.

Some questions for you to ponder as you reflect on your journey:

Who is teaching you emotional and relational skills? How have you turned on the lighthouse of emotional intelligence? Who are the people and situations who have supported you in turning on your lighthouse? If you haven't yet, how have your relationships suffered or excelled based on your level of skill? What are you wanting and looking to learn about to improve your relationships? Who in the mainstream is teaching it?

From my lighthouse to yours, Mountain