June 16th, 2022
It's been 10 years since my spiritual awakening.
It started with realizing I was a human being in an infinite universe, here on this planet, run by a government and media that harvests our energy, and capitalizes on our self loathing. Before, I had no idea what or where I was, I was so confused as a child.
Over the last 10 years, I have grown to deeply love myself, learn self forgiveness, get off antidepressants (it's been 10 years) and recover from intense mental illness and suicidal attempts, divest from mainstream colonized gender and beauty standards (always a work in progress), get back into my body that I had dissociated from due to capitalism and emotional and physical abuse throughout my childhood, forgive my parents for the trauma and hold their lives with infinite compassion (they are children of holocaust and Trans Atlantic slave trade survivors), divest from the 9-5 mentality, own a business (own my time), travel and meet like minded individuals all over the world, create 15+ gatherings that support returning to our houses of magic and regeneration of our culture through music, art, and education.
And today I'm returning from a three week trip all over the southwest, with new insights on my spiritual journey:
I am a grain of sand on the beach of the infinite called Aliko. And am so grateful to experience his life for this short time. Everything, all of life is happening for no reason other than because it can. Everything is god. Even the shadow, all eventually feathers light.
I've finally divested from the last components of our culture: Romantic capitalism taught me to put my life in others. The neurolinguistic programming of our culture with every song and movie ever made had a detrimental impact to my nervous system and my relationships. My greatest mistake was thinking I needed to possess something in order to have it. But love is like nature, flowing, alive, different at every turn. There are infinite orientations and infinite possibilities. I was eating love as the main course of my life. When I am the main course of my life.
In order to have healthy love, it must be on the edges, not at the center of our lives. And my life is now in me, I am at the center, and love happens when it’s alive on the edges.
I'm returning with better boundaries, asking for what I need, being straight forward with my desires, valuing what I am worth.
Patience - our culture has programmed patterns of instant gratification that impacts our reactions and behaviors. But life is like nature. Wetlands take decades to restore. There is beauty and magic in time and space.
I'm completely divesting from cancel culture and militant social justice culture.
When we ostracize and judge another, we are ostracizing and judging something within ourselves. How can we reclaim all the parts of ourselves, in order to reclaim each other? This is how the world broke, we must find ourselves in each other once more.
Everyone is hurting each other because we’re in pain ourselves. When we have the time, space, privilege, and tools to be with our own pain, and move through it - deep genuine compassion, love and understanding for others is on the other side.
I have found deep love and understanding for white supremacists, I have found myself in them, and in everyone that I’ve ever judged or ostracized, or who has ever judged and ostracized me. I have found myself in you.
Things I’m looking forward to in the next 10 years: Shhh it’s a secret for now (;
Thank you to all of you who have been so impactful to my journey over the years - there are honestly so many of you. From everyone who started with me on my awakening at Redmond PCC. You were the first who taught me about the universe and healthy food 10 years ago, to everyone at Om Culture who gave me family and belonging when I didn't have any, to my long term partners who reflected to me all the unhealed parts of myself, and who loved me so much even though I was still perpetuating romance capitalism in toxic ways, to the countless teachers, mentors, ceremonialist, and friends who have shared with me their wisdom and stood by me through all of my growth. What a miracle to be in the same place at the same time on the beach of the infinite with you. I love you